


I Apologize

by SweetGabriel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean watching everybody around him die, Hurt Everybody, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, More tags will be added., Multi, Other, Tags Are Hard, WARNING:Everybody will die, co-depending, exept Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetGabriel/pseuds/SweetGabriel
Summary: Summary will be added later.'I know I'd hurt you, deserted youAnd now I see it clearI pulled you closer, tighter'Cause I knew you'd disappear'





	1. John Winchester.

**Author's Note:**

> Long time since I last wrote anything. My pup just had a major surgury and I haven't had the time nor the will to write anything.
> 
> The start of each chapter will be canon but will not continue canon.
> 
> This fic will jump around a little (a lot), but it will not involve anything after the Mary disappeares in the other dimention.  
> Each chapter will be on its own and with no connection to the previous nor the later chapter/s.

 

**A/N:  
There will be Ellen POV in this chapter.**

_Looking back I still have so many questions_ __  
So many things unanswered  
Like what did I do?  
What could I do?  
Was there ever a moment you cared?

His head jerked to the side to look at Sam and then back to the fading light that had been John Winchester’s ghost. The man had found peace, and while a part of him was happy that his father was in a better place now, there also was another part, a slightly bigger part, that so desperately wished that he still was in Hell.

His brother had that awestruck expression, like he couldn’t believe what they had just seen, their damn father climbing his way out of Hell.

He shook his head and shrugged, of anyone could climb out of Hell why not John fucking Winchester?

He sucked a sharp breath in when a hand landed on his shoulder and looked up in the concerned hazel eyes of Ellen.

The woman gave him a tight smile and helped him stand again, shaking her head when he stumbled a little, he probably had a concussion.

“Let’s get back to the house, I think Bobby got a bottle of old whiskey in one of his hidden cabinets,” she said while giving the older hunter a pointed look, one that Dean for the sake of his life, couldn’t figure out.

The guff hunter nodded and together they all four made their way towards the Impala.

 _‘I still feel so much hate inside of me_ __  
Seems like you were just waiting for me to fail  
I'm sorry I can't forgive you  
Do you blame me?  
You never forgave me’

He drowned the last of his drink and swallowed thickly, thoughts whirling around in his head. That fucking bastard, coming back, saving their asses, smiling and then he’s off to his happy ever after. Like John Winchester had ever done something that warranted him a place in heaven. After everything he had done do him, to Sam.

He shook his head again, “After everything I have done for him, after every monster that I killed in his name, he was still too proud to give even a little fucking bit of praise,” he murmured to himself.

He looked around the small kitchen, let them drift past the plates in the sink and past the half empty bottle of Jack on the kitchen counter, before it finally ended at an old picture. It was one of him, Sam and Bobby, they were all smiling and Sam’s head was thrown back like he was laughing at something funny.

He jerked and let out a small sound, when a hand landed on his shoulder and he briefly panicked before a female voice said in a calming tone.

“Easy now, Dean, just Ellen.”

He sighed and dragged a hand over his head, wanting – needing to say something but he didn’t know what. He was past the use of stupid words.

“You know.” He tried to begin, his breath already hitching a little and he tried to clear his throat.

All while he did that he watched Ellen pull out a chair on the other side of the table and pour a generous amount of Jack in glassed that were already on the table.

“You know he wasn’t always like that,” he finally got out.

“Before mom…before mom went away, he…. He still drank too much sometimes, not always but sometimes he did….” He swallowed thickly, the pictures inside his mind was going crazy. He had never spoken of this and Ellen, may the devil bless that woman’s soul, didn’t say a words, she simply looked at him with caring and attentive eyes.

“After, he kind of just…. Went away himself; the man that came out of that house wasn’t my father, not the one I knew,” he whispered and tried to blink the tears that had suddenly gathered in his eyes away.

“I know I told everyone that I don’t remember things that happened just after I just mom but I do. I remember that first time he yelled at me, baby Sammy was crying his ass off because he was hungry but we didn’t have any more formula and that bastard had spent the rest of the money we had on weapons and booze and I didn’t understand what happened, why did he yell at me?” he looked brokenly at Ellen, finally letting the tears in his eyes fall and his breath hitched once more.

“It was the first ‘ime he hit me too.” He ignored the gasp from Ellen and continued.

“It was just that small slap, like the kind of slap that a girl might give you when you say something really, really stupid but it hurt like a bitch cause I knew he was disappointed in me, that I was unable to do what he asked and all that shit and it hurt even more because I didn’t know how to make it right again because I didn’t know what I had done wrong in the first place,” he stopped and took a heaving breath and took a small moment to wipe the tearstains away from his face.

He finally looked back up at Ellen and couldn’t help but flinch a little at the anger he could see in her expression.

He couldn’t help the whimper that escaped him, when her chair scraped the floor as she pushed it back and he tried failingly to curl in on himself.

A pathetic sound tore itself out of his throat when Ellen had finally reached him and she went down in a kneeling position, both of her hands landing on his knees.

Ellen POV.

Of the countless of times she wished she had killed the bastard that had been John Winchester, she had never wished more for having been the cause of the man’s death, herself, more than she did now.

 The young man in front of her, looked ready to bolt at the next given opportunity and tears still rolled down his cheeks.

“Dean, sweetie?” she tried.

The man visibly flinched at the sound of her voice but she continued speaking. “You were a child, he had no right to expect those things of you, he should have been proud that you tried so hard to please him, not angry that you didn’t succeeded.”

 

 

Dean POV.

He shook her head in denial at her words and finally pushed back the chair and fled to his room, slamming the door closed, not really caring that or if, he woke the rest of the people in the house up.

He just wanted some God damn space, was that too much to ask for?

When he was finally alone, he curled together in a fatal position on his bed. Why had he told her that? Sure, he trusted the older female hunter with his life but why had he told her? No one knew what he had just said, not even Sam knew about any of it.

Sure, John had never given him praise or approval, well he had but as he had gotten older they had become fewer and less, until Dean couldn’t really remember the last time he had been told that he had done a good job or something in that direction.

He had almost worshipped the man the entirety of his childhood. In the eyes of a young Dean Winchester, there had been nothing his father could do wrong, he had been blind to the abuse he had suffered under for most of his childhood and teenage years.

The reality had only gone up for him, when the man had died, when he had been to Hell and back and finally ending up realizing that after all the things he had done for the man, that man had never done anything in return.

Jonathan Winchester had forgotten birthdays, holidays, food for his sons, care for them, all in his quest for finding that thing that killed his and Sam’s mother but he had wondered if there had been a part of his father that he didn’t know,  a part of his father that had gotten so lost in the hunt that he had stopped caring about the people around him and drowned himself in the search of the next fix, the next hunt.

He had said so to his brother, he had cursed the existence of their father, he had raged and yet, not even that had fixed the big hole in his heart and as time passed, he slowly came to realize…..

That that hole would never be fixed.

 _So this is how it ends_ __  
All the tears, all the blood  
It's all been for nothing  
As the candle dwindles, then flickers out  
In the end


	2. Benjamin Lafayette

_All the places I've been and things I've seen_ _  
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams  
The faces of people I'll never see again  
And I can't seem to find my way home_ _._

The machete fell to the ground with a dull sound, it was probably louder but it was hard to hear over the storm racing inside his head. The next thing that happened was that the hunter fell to his knees, the impact jarring him but again, he barely noticed.

He had just killed his friend, his brother, had just sent him back to the hell that he had promised him he would never have to return to.

But…but something said inside of him. Hadn’t Benny said something about not feeling like he didn’t belong? Or was it something else he had said to hunter, he couldn’t remember, hell, he could barely remember how to breathe. Thinking about it, he was beginning to get a little lightheaded.

He stuttered out a gasp and pushed himself upright, the bastard promised to come back, it wouldn’t be forever. He didn’t dare let himself think over what he would do if the vampire would rather stay in Purgatory than be with him, his thoughts already turning to self-loathing, back to when the vampire had noticed how messed up Dean Winchester truly was.

He turned his head to look up at the sky turned dark with rain and as it began to fall, he just stayed on his knees, because standing up was more than he could handle.

Benny POV.

He frowned when his eyes shifted from the machete that Dean was sharpening to the hunters face. He knew that the man hadn’t left with his brother on good terms, but he had no idea of just how bad it really was, and he grew more and more worried, the longer he looked at the others face.

The hunter was a different kind of tense than what he had seen down under and despite being focused on the task at hand, the way his eyes darted from all sides, analyzing, calculating, didn’t miss the vampire’s attention and he couldn’t stop himself from looking around, trying to see what had gotten his friend so nervous.

He shifted a little and immediately, Dean’s eyes shifted to him, giving him a glance from top to toe and back up again, before he returned to his work.

“Everythin’ all right Cher?” he asked. His eyes looking at the hunter, perhaps there was something that the younger man hadn’t told him.

“Yeah, just thinking about Sammy, that’s all,” the hunter said, his eyes still not standing still, darting all around them, not settling for more than a second, before moving on and suddenly the vampire had had enough, enough with the games and the lies, they didn’t owe each other anything, but Dean had asked him to stay with him, at least until his brother could get here with the car.

“You didn’t speak with him, it went straight to voicemail, Dean,” he said in a calm voice. Oh how he remembered that conversation vividly, how the older hunter yelled at the younger brother and how his scent had turned sour and sad.

The hunter starred wide eyes at him, like he had forgotten that the vampire had better hearing than humans.

The hunter chuckled and shook his head before dropping it and going back to starring at the ground. The vampire noticed how the others scent changed from nervous and somewhat content, to sheer terror and so much fear that it made Benny happy that his heart didn’t beat anymore, ‘cause it would surely have stopped then.

He carefully stepped around the fire they had started and began speaking, “Dean, I don’t want to be the one standing between you and your brother. If you want to get back to him, then go back to him.” Benny looked the forest before he looked back.

“But I don’t wanna lie and say that it isn’t good to have someone topside with me, to not be alone so soon, because the world I knew are no longer, I wouldn’t have any idea of what to do if you weren’t with me.” He took at deep breath and clenched his hands and a muscle in his jaw twisted. “And I don’t think you have any idea of how much it means to have someone to watch your back for you.”

He stopped in front of the hunter and laid a hand on his shoulder and gave a small smile when the hunters gaze met his own. He made a rumbling sound in his chest, when Dean’s eyes flew to the forest behind the vampire, and if possible, the hunter grew even tenser and refused to meet his eyes again.

“It’s man,” the hunter stepped back and dragged a hand over his face, “It’s not just something that you explain Benny, it aren’t that easy.” He flinched.

The vampire looked around them and led Dean to a fallen tree a little longer away from the fire and tugged him down to sit, he had a feeling that it was going to be a long conversation.

“Dean. We spent a year in monster heaven, we have shed more blood together than any other being down there have shed in the entire life up here. I know I was there for a hell of a long time while you were barely there before we got away-“ he held a hand up when the hunter tried to interrupt him, “No, right now I’m the one speaking.”

He looked into the darkness, tried to understand, while he continued speaking.

“You one said that it was different down in Purgatory, but you never said what it was different from,” he sighed, “And the longer we spend in each other’s company, I get the feeling that I don’t want to know and want to know at the same time… is that true.

Dean POV.

He looked to the side and saw Benny look at the fire, a considering expression on his face and it nearly killed him to think that he was about to destroy the picture that the vampire had drawn of him, of that macho hunter, the lady’s man, when in reality he wasn’t even attracted to woman, not really.

“Sammy got out of this life and…. And I don’t think he’s ever going to come back to it again, not if it stood to him. But this is all I have ever known, all the things I’ve seen, hell, all the shit that I have done? I aren’t no saint and every time I turn and look behind me, it comes back to bit me in the ass and I have no fucking clue about what to do anymore.”

His breath hitched and he knew there were tears in his eyes but fuck it, he wasn’t done yet, “And you, Benjamin fucking Lafayette, are were fucking God sent, I have no idea what I would have done right now if you weren’t sitting right beside me, but I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to sit in the dark.” He gasped it all out, mentally begging for the older man to lead him to what he was really trying to say.

He would ask him, he really would, he just needed to breathe first, like really breathe. The air felt like it just wouldn’t come into his lungs and black dots marred his vision. He was vaguely aware that both hands were scratching his chest but he just couldn’t stop, his needed to fucking breathe and he couldn’t.

 

Benny POV.

He tried getting in contact with the hunter but Dean just continued to gasp and claw at his chest and while the vampire didn’t like it, he had to do something or else he risked that Dean injured and he didn’t like that thought.

Sending a prayer to the heavens that Dean didn’t have any weapon on him, he took hold of the hunter and moved him from the tree to the ground. He didn’t like that the only reaction he got, was a whimper and a flinch, something was very wrong.

He grabbed Dean’s wrists and pinned them to his own chest, making sure to keep his grasp light enough to not break a bone but still tight enough to ensure that the hunter couldn’t harm himself.

He began to speak calmly to the man, his tone low and even, not about anything special, just talking, hoping that it would soothe to hunter. When Dean stopped gasping for breath and whimpering, he drew the man into his lap, ignoring the flinch and locked his arms around him, humming an old melody he remembered from his childhood.

Eventually Dean’s breathing got even and his head lolled to the left, landing his shoulder. Benny shook his head in fondness and looked back into the fire. He knew they had to speak about it, about what he had said about Sam not wanting back to the hunting life and the hunting life being everything that Dean knew. The man had sounded so lost when he had spoken, so utterly broken that it made the vampire breathless.

**

He woke up when the sun was just starting to come up and the fire pit had long since died.

He tensed when he saw that Dean was no longer sitting on the ground with him but relaxed when he saw the man standing at the edge of the forest, phone held up to his ear and even without listening he knew that it was not the fun kind of talk he was having.

Deciding to leave the hunter alone while he spoke, he restarted the fire and collected their weapons. He didn’t know when they would move on but before they did, they needed food, Dean needed food.

He was still staring into the fire when he heard footsteps come closer; he still didn’t look to the side, when Dean sat down beside him, a wary expression on his face, his scent sad and angry.

“Didn’t go over well?” he asked, lifting a hand to scratch his cheek.

He saw Dean shake his head and pick the machete back up again, letting his fingers run along the edge. Benny had half a mind to warn the man to not cut himself, but he didn’t. Though he longed to ask, to speak, he didn’t desire any cold ice between them.

Dean POV.

“Sammy,” he sighed and shook his head, “Sammy wants me to give up, to come live with him. Hell, go back to Lisa and Ben, like they would want to see me after what I did to them, how I treated Ben.” He growled and looked up at the rising sun, “Sammy wants me to be open about my problems, he want me to talk about… about everything.” He blinked rapidly and thought ‘here goes everything’.

He didn’t begin to speak again immediately, just kept drawing in desperate gulps of air because he had no idea of how he should continue, saying all the things that he wanted to say. He startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder and blinked the tears from his eyes and turned around to look at the vampire, his friend and his brother in everything but blood.

“You don’t hafta’ Cher,” he spoke softly to him. He smiled sadly and shook his head and looked back into the burning pit of fire, trying to see if all his answers were in there.

“I was in Hell... and Hell is everything and nothing., it’s-it’s so fucking ugly and in some ways even in Hell I couldn’t do my fucking job. I broke, broke like the damn pussy I was.” He snorted and wiped his tears away, ignoring the way he could feel Benny’s eyes on him.

“Even daddy dearest didn’t break down there, and fuck but I tried to not break, but I just couldn’t, it was like they knew every dirty little secret, every little fantasy and dream that I had had, and you know what they did to it, huh?”

He rose and faced the vampire, “THEY RIPPED IT TO FUCKING PIECES!” he screamed and fell to the ground, sobbing and hitting everything around him. It was like the walls he had kept up had broken, just like him.

Benny POV.

He hushed to whimpering man and pulled him closer to his chest, trying to get him to breathe, to calm down a little but nothing seemed to work. He believed every word the other had said, about Hell, about his brother and he would believe everything that would ever come out of the others mouth.

Just before Dean went lax in his arms, the man whispered “And Purgatory was pure.”

 _One day I’ll face the Hell inside me_ __  
Someday I’ll accept what I have done  
Sometime I’ll leave the past behind me  
For now I accept who I’ve become  
And now I see clearly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments will be welcomed.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudo and comment, do as you please.
> 
> Chapter is not edited but will be later when I have the proper time.


End file.
